X-treme Goodbyes

22 Jun

There are times in life when extreme things happen to you. There are also a couple of things you wish might never happen to you: losing important stuff, or getting fired. It came as a big surprise to me that those were actually some of the best experiences.

We tend to hold on to things. The moment they disappear you know whether you really needed them and what they meant to you. Whether you owned them or they owned you. And you can finally let go of your fear from losing them, because they are gone. Most stuff is either replaceable or not as important as you thought it was. The only thing you really miss is people. When I moved to Canada for a couple of months, there was a lot of stuff left behind and gone forever. But standing in Vancouver, I couldn’t think of one thing home I was actually missing. Walking through Ontario, I couldn’t picture one little thing in a box I carefully packed before I went. I could only think of the people left behind. While moving on through life, you need certain things. You change your armor, if you will. Leaving everything behind thrilled and terrified me at the same time. You collect stuff, you love it because it reminds you of something or someone, but then it’s just baggage in a box. You can leave it in the attic and hold it every couple years. Being able to move includes letting go a lot of stuff that weighs you down. I couldn’t understand it until I let go most of my stuff myself. The last night in Germany I was sick. All of my belongings were either gone, sold, or in a box. Christian and I had about ten (!) boxes left. Both of us. That meant I only had about five boxes plus a lot of clothes, no furniture (which was ok), and the huge backpack packed for the trip which didn’t contain half of the things I thought I needed. Looking back, I feel like I was a huge idiot. It was not only being spoiled in an industrialized way (how many people on earth can say they have enough to eat, drink or dress themselves with?) but also I couldn’t stand the big change I always wanted and had initiated myself. My body revolved. As you can see, I survived it. Now I know it was actually the best thing to do, but it had a big price tag on it. To become someone new, you have to leave your old you behind. And this goodbye can be very painful. But if you are lucky, you soon recognize that you don’t change at all and you can take the best things with you. As corny as it might sound, you have the most important stuff in your heart all the time.

Getting fired is one of the worst things that could happen to you, many people would say. Interestingly, most of those people never actually got fired. I was lucky in different ways when I got fired. First of all, I was prepared. There were a couple of other “cases” in that firm before it actually hit me. Secondly, I was prepared to quit myself. Yet, it came quite as a shock to me. I took it very personally. Although I have had bad stomach pains for a while, and I was totally unhappy working there, it never really occurred to me they could fire me. You see, I am quite nice around people, so it was a huge thing when I told my boss the truth about something which I won’t discuss here. It really doesn’t matter. I know people don’t actually like hearing the truth, but I thought he would be grateful in the end for having me there and being honest with him. He was not. Obviously, he didn’t think my truth was his and also he felt compromised by my telling him off in front of another colleague. I can call it bad luck now, but you can also see it as one version leading to the end of my working there. It could have been different, but in the end it just wasn’t meant to be. In no case I’d still be working there and that is a very good thing, for both sides. It’s like a bad relationship. You tend to see some guilt and like to put it on the other person, but you can also see it as simple as it is: Not meant to be. The worst thing you can do is to extend the dependency. This is what makes it hard, either a break-up or a denouncement. It doesn’t matter which side started the fight or quit the whole thing, because the hard thing is to realise you have invested in something (or somebody) which (who) didn’t make you happy. As soon as both sides agree on their not agreeing, everything becomes clear and easy. Now you can lick your wounds or just go out the door and do something which is meant to be.

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Eine Antwort to “X-treme Goodbyes”

  1. tamontenyamashiro Juni 22, 2013 um 1:30 pm #

    Definitely a damn good post.

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